Perfidy

I hide behind veiled eyes
So no one can see the madness inside.
Every word out of my mouth is a lie.
You were so kind and so good
I wanted to be everything you thought of me
But I will break your heart
And when the veil falls
You’ll only find emptiness
As you pull me apart
I want to be so badly
Everything you think of me.
I’m standing on this pedestal,
My friend, it’s hollow inside
An empty box filled with lies.
Every word out of my mouth is a lie
You were so kind and so good
I only wanted to be everything you thought of me
But I’m a façade built of fairy-tales.
Oh I will break your heart
And when the veil falls
You’ll only find emptiness
As you pull me apart
Don’t look at me
You’ll see what I am
Unworthy of the faith you’ve given me
A leech in disguise
Maybe someday you won’t regret
Letting me have so much of you
Maybe one day your scars will fade
And I will become what I’ve always been,
Only an obstacle in your way
Every word out of my mouth is a lie
You were so kind and so good
I only wanted to be everything you thought of me
But I’m a façade built of fairy-tales.
Oh I will break your heart
And when the veil falls
You’ll only find emptiness
As you pull me apart
Maybe someday you won’t regret
Letting me have so much of you
Maybe one day your scars will fade
And I will become what I’ve always been
Only an obstacle in your way.
-AJ Sandhu 2016
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Rumination 16

My friends cannot read my mind. They don’t know everything I know.
I’ve fallen into the trap of thinking they’ve absorbed my knowledge or emotion via some strange external osmosis, but they haven’t. If I’m having a bad day and put on a brave face, they will never know I need to be comforted. They won’t know not to believe me when I lie and say everything is alright.
Sometimes I think they wouldn’t want to be bothered. Why talk to them about something they can’t fix, or wouldn’t understand? But who will I celebrate with when I come out victorious on the other side? How will I convey the devastation of my defeat as I sit there and lick my wounds?
We make friends to share the load. To carry our collective burdens so they don’t break our backs. Your friends will not be weighed down by your problems. They will not leave because you are struggling. If they cannot help they will wait patiently for you to get through; ready with whatever support you need in the aftermath.
And if they do abandon you, were they really your friends at all?
Stay good and keep transmitting.
-AJ Sandhu 2016

Dispossessed

We’re not pieces on a chessboard
Built to be played however we choose
Life is not finite in what it could be.
I’m holding the hope
That the sins on my soul
Are not greater than
The forgiveness I’m asking for
There are no chosen kings
And queens of our world
Only fearful people hoping
Their confidence will disguise their lies
We’re all hiding from ourselves
Hoping our deepest devotions
Are never put to the test.
Victims of our baser urges
It’s what we feared
No hearts left to converge.
You’ve gone too far for me to find you
And after all, you never wanted me to.
-AJ Sandhu 2016

Emptiness

The worst thing that could happen was losing my story. I could lose everything else, but losing the story in my heart was unbearable. The thought that Derivation would be there no matter what happened, no matter how deep the rabbit-hole went, kept me going for so long.
I emptied myself into the singular pursuit.
My apathy, empathy, love, hatred, passion, motivation.
Everything belonged to my one purpose; telling the tale that burned in my chest.
Now I fear I’ve given too much.
I’m empty.
I lost Derivation while I was surrendering the rest.
The one thing I was determined to keep is gone.
Without it, I’m not even a person.
So what now? What do I do now that the worst has happened?
How long do I stay away? How long will it take to fall in love again? Until my hands itch with words burning to see life on paper?
I don’t know.
I’m starting over. From the beginning. Tell me again, Alexander.
Stay good and keep transmitting

-Aman Sandhu 2016

Moving On

Moments that took minutes

Are taking hours away
I’m left here to mourn
All that time wasted on you.
Every hard earned breath I gave
Trying to keep you;
Is screaming in my lungs now
As I start sinking under
All we’re looking for is a chance
To be prepared
If we must be the fools
Behind the reigns.
So tell me mechanist
Is there a remedy
For all the sorrow
That I feel?
Singing a sullen lullaby
Before the curtain falls
On our life’s play
Too long and too short
To waste trying to hold
Dreams we didn’t share
Ambition led us astray
This is a siren’s call
To all of the songs
I’ve sung before.
Different tempo, same refrain

You’ve moved on

And it seems I’m left
Standing here waiting for you
To look back for me.
-AJ Sandhu 2016

Frozen Mausoleums

We won’t find you
Oh we won’t find you
Not in these tattered pieces
Of dreams left behind.
Is there a remedy for
All of the things everyone knows
If not
Is there place that holds
All of the knowledge
We should have by now?
You built this town
You built this city
Repeat it over and over
As if you expect some pity.
Is this what it’s meant to be
Only disappointed faces looking our way?
Constant reminders that you think
We only want your sympathy
We can’t find it
Oh we can’t find it
Not in these tattered pieces
Of dreams left behind
Oh you built this town
You built this city
Heaven forbid it rises
Above your glory
And it all fades to black
Was the ending worth for naught.
Because you built this town
You built this city
On the ashes of those who
Thought you only wanted their sympathy
We’ll tear this town
We’ll burn your city
Frozen mausoleums to leaders
Who don’t deserve our pity.

-AJ Sandhu 2016

Lullaby from Colossus

Colossus is a one shot novel I’ve been working on for a few years now; there is a lullaby in the book I’d never really explored. A few weeks ago I started to write it:

Sleep little one
I’ll carry you away
Rest for a while
When you wake
The darkness will be gone.

Sleep for a while
I’ll carry you home
I’ll carry you
To where you belong
Where you can be free
If only for a moment

Out of this farce
Far from this grief
I’ll carry you with me
To can where you can be safe
As long as you need to be

So sleep little one
While I carry you away
Rest for a moment
When you wake
The darkness will be far behind.

-AJ Sandhu 2016

On My Way

We all want somebody to love
Somebody to hold
Somebody to lie beside
Because the nights are cold
But will the degradation
To our baser instincts
Consume our souls
Confuse the common urge
For something we’ve never observed
Don’t let me go
Till I take my final breath
Then I swear I’ll set you free
Don’t leave me here without you
Though you can stay without me
I don’t want just
Another heartbeat beside me.
Familiar hope only your scent gives me
Just give me this life
Then I swear I’ll be on my way.
We all want somebody to love
Somebody to hold
Somebody to lie beside
Because our lives can be cold.
-AJ Sandhu 2015

Rumination 15

     No one tells you how bright the darkest corners of your mind can be. How sweetly that voice whispers lies and doubts into your ear.
     If they were dark, you would never venture into them again. They’re enticing, bright and warm, because they’re drawing all of the light and warmth out of you.
     The colder and darker you feel, the more light and warmth you try to generate, until you just can’t anymore.
     You need more for the same high.
     The universe may be infinite; you are not.
     But you are strong, you are loved, and you are not alone. So many of us are right there with you, making more light as it is taken. Maybe one day we’ll make more than the imbalance can pull.

Stay good and keep transmitting.

-AJ Sandhu 2015

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